Log in

01 September 2011 @ 10:10 pm

Since a stressful year is beginning with college and senior year and whatnot... I need to make sure I somehow stay okay...
Sort of detach myself from my emotions but not completely... Need to really be positive in front of people at least!
So, wish me luck. I'll need it.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

31 August 2011 @ 09:07 pm
I've been feeling so... just... bad. What sucks is that there's absolutely no one to talk to. As much as people say that they "understand", you really don't. In fact, no one knows me. Not even one bit. But I appreciate that there are people willing to try and listen. However, it's just not good enough.

Before I continue, I just want to say this:
This blog post will contain the raw shit I'm feeling. Nothing held back. Nothing.
I think this is important because I never really feel better after those rare times of letting everything out. It's bad enough that I have to put up a front everywhere I go. Truth is, I give a whole lot of shit about what people think or see of me. And as aloof as some people may think I am, I'm really not. I'm weak and insecure as fuck. I blame myself though. I put up this front all the time and too much that people mistake me for always being "happy". But really, I haven't exactly felt complete "happiness" in such a long time. What sucks is that when I do decide to break down emotionally, people don't take me seriously or it just seems like they don't give a shit. I hate it. I'm going to admit that I intentionally try to draw attention to myself when I'm in need of a shoulder to lean on. I'll sometimes blog or tweet to express my sadness, attempting to draw worry, in order to try and get someone, anyone, to notice. However, never have I gotten the shoulder that I needed. I'm blogging this right now, not because I'm trying to draw attention. In fact, this is the last thing I want. I just honestly, sincerely, want to remove all this negativity that is suffocating me. It's for myself. Just for me because I've realized that there's really nobody that I can lean on besides myself. Call me whatever you want after this.

Where do I even start? Maybe with some conflicts I have internally.

I want to make something clear, I'm not an honest person. I'm a liar. You have no idea how many times I've told lies in order for even just a tad bit of attention. I lie to everyone. Strangers, friends and family. In fact, I give myself credit for creating and fabricating the most interesting stories. I'm not exactly proud of it. I pity myself, actually. Yup. Why do I do it? I'm honestly not sure. I guess I'm trying to please someone. In fact, I've been wanting to please people around me in order for them to accept me, sometimes even intentionally wanting to cause jealousy towards me. I'm always trying to please other people.
So here it goes.
I'm going to start pleasing myself. Regardless of whether or not people accept that. I just want to accept myself.
I don't know why I grew out like this.
The last time I was even close to being completely honest with someone, let's call her Person A, was 2 years ago. And I don't even think Person A sees me as a friend anymore. I don't blame her though, I'm really not that great to be around. Not going to dwell on that because I know we've sort of "settled" everything. But I guess I want to say... Thank you for everything.
There's also something that has been bothering me... I don't know if I don't really emphasize this enough but, I try to put it out there that if anyone where to need help, I'm there to listen... And I know I said that people can listen to someone's problem all they want, but it's not enough sometimes. I know I said that. But I also said that having someone listen and try to understand is good enough. I'm not trying to say that I'm the only one with issues and stuff, I know everyone has their own problems. These are just mine that I've never really got to express. And as selfish or foolish as this sounds, I know I'm a good friend when I need to be. But it frustrates the hell out of me when people can't be like that for me. I have shit to tell you too...
I guess what I'm trying to say is that, I'm desperately in need for help, advice and comfort. I know that talking about things won't make the problems go away, but it'll help. And to me, that's great.

And now, the shit that's going on externally.
Excuse me if this is badly written because this is my first time doing this...

Divorce is a funny thing. Romance and love is a short thing if not kept in check. I guess that's what's up with my parents. They're not fighting all the time, but they still do. They're on and off. I talk a lot about the positives of my parents to people because... Well, I guess it's because if everyone else thinks that my parents are happy, I'll also sort of convince myself that they are– which they aren't. Yeah... I tell my mom that I'm ok if they were to divorce... But I'm not. No one is. They tell their parents they're fine but really, no one is. No one wants to see their parents split. I know I don't. I don't want my brother to have to deal with it either... In fact, I don't want him to go through anything that would alter his path to maturity... I haven't even hit that road half way through yet... And here I am, struggling to get by every single day.
It doesn't help that my grandparents hate me. What sucks is that, no matter how much I say I hate them... I don't. I love them deeply... But I can't tell anyone... It's really complicated...
There's also this spending problem. My mom is always spending money but never bother making an income anymore... She even took my money that I worked for over the Summer... I know it's selfish and my mom gives a lot but it'd really make me a little more comfortable if she were working too... I also blame my dad for pressuring her and criticizing her all the time... Sigh.
Financial issues for education too... I don't think I'm oh-so very much prepared... My dad says that he has everything when I know he doesn't. He's too busy spending it through gambling and cigarettes... But he is making a large income and working overtime... I just wish he'd realize that college isn't exactly cheap.

I think I just spent over an hour and a half on this... Slightly constantly blinking to get rid of tears and just... thinking... Self-assessing, you could say.
I'll end it here.

So long story short: I'm not a great person or anything close.

"Funny, when you're dead how people start listening." 
If I Die Young by The Band Perry. 
Tags: ,
Feeling: stressedstressed
Lip Syncing To : Skinny Love by Birdy
27 August 2011 @ 04:10 pm

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Feeling: happy!
24 August 2011 @ 11:13 pm

So I have a feeling I'm cursed.
I blame myself for choosing who I talk to because obviously, they're not that great. And if they were, I wouldn't need countless journals and blogs to rant. But here I am.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Feeling: cursed
Lip Syncing To : Say You Like Me by We the Kings
14 May 2011 @ 11:13 pm
Would you want your city to outlaw smoking on public streets? Why or why not?

YES. There are infinitely many reasons.
23 April 2011 @ 09:30 pm
 Really bad. 
I don't want to lie to you but I also don't want to tell you the truth.
Feeling: guiltyguilty
03 April 2011 @ 06:59 pm
AP tests are coming up, so are SATs. Summer is coming but so is stress. Omfg.
College applications are in the fall.

This is way too much.
Tags: , ,
Feeling: bitchybitchy
Lip Syncing To : No Playboy Nine Muses
01 April 2011 @ 02:47 pm

I look butthurt but I ain't even mad. ;) An amazing night!
Feeling: happyhappy
Lip Syncing To : By My Side by David Choi
22 March 2011 @ 05:32 pm
Do you have a childhood friend that you still think about and miss? What happened to him or her?

Feeling: sadsad
Lip Syncing To : Be My Girl by ZE:A
20 March 2011 @ 01:12 pm
 It's impossible to stay positive with this shit coming back at me every single day. What sucks the most is that I can't even overcome it. So what the hell am I supposed to do?
Feeling: enragedenraged
Lip Syncing To : Can You Smile (Remake) by INFINITE